There's an end to every storm.

I am 21 now. Literally just at the start of my life. And I have been fighting my very own body for more years than I can count.  I am 21 and I have never felt more empowered than in this moment right here.  I have spent so many years fighting my body. It was never enough. I was never enough.  As I kid I was bullied because I was 'big'.  When I hit puberty I got hips, boobs and just wider in general.  I started working out like crazy and I was finally skinny. I almost felt worthy. I almost felt pretty.  But my hair was never the way I wanted it. My skin had more blemishes than I wanted.  I was too small. Since 14 I stand at 5'6 and I dreaded it. My feet and hands were too big.  I always loved swimming but at one point I dreaded myself in a bathing suit. I didn't want to show my body this vulnerable. I stopped swimming. I started hidding myself. I broke off relationships.  I felt bad about myself. I started eating to fill...

Currently I could jump off of a cliff and I wouldn't even care. I would be happy for this freaking shit show to finally be over. The only thing that keeps me from doing it, you're asking? I'm afraid of surviving. I don't wanna be the one that "survived jumping off a bridge". I don't want anybody to talk with me about these feelings and why I did it. Why I'd even chose to end my life. I just want this, all of this to stop. the only thing that hold me back is the fact that surviving would be worse than dying. So if I ever find a bridge or a cliff high enough for me to be sure to be dead this might as well be my promise to fucking take the leap.

mir redä und redä   fadegrad anenag vrbi u merke tüeh mrs ersch, we dr eint ufem Himalya und dr anger z züri steit. Mir secklä und secklä    wie geng schneuer si aus aui angere Drbi wärs doch gschider mau d sunne zgniesse weder i nächst räge z cho. Mir tröime und tröime    aber eigetech wüsse mr nid vo was. Wi wärs we mr mau zämehocke u eifach nüt säge.  Vilech vrstöh mr nis so.  

BDD - Body dysmorphic disorder Ember Evanescent - But I'm not dysmorphic ... right?      You know why I'm obsessed with makeup? You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have? You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am? You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically? Because now I'm a little bit scared That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right It just seems so impossible Because I mean I look in the mirror And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl So ugly In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me and I don't know why I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty And for some reasons I'm crying right now And I feel really alone But no no no There is no way I re...

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act That has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty. Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. to this day He is a stick of TNT lit from both ends Could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends In the moments before it's about to fall and despite an army of friends Who call him an inspiration He remains a conversation piece between people Who can't understand Sometimes being drug-free Has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us That we'd be lonely forever That we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun was something they built for us in their tool shed. I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite Those are all parts of the poem "To this day .. for the bullied and the beautiful" by Shane Koyczan. And I c...

For so long I’ve wanted my body to disappear I was so ashamed so insecure. I just wanted to be invisible. I was worried sick someone might hear my thighs rubbing together. I was scared people would stare if they saw me walking by. I didn’t want my shoes, my steps to make any sound. I wanted to be invisible and inaudible. For so long my mind was screaming at me Anxious about leaving the house anxious about being seen. I just wanted to disappear. It took me longer than I’m willing to admit to see that I am supposed to take up space to be seen and heard. May my body make as much noise may my clothes not perfectly fit. I need to accept my flaws I need to embrace myself. Let people stare even if they might not Uncertainty is made by voices in your head shut them up and dance in silence.

dear people i know this is unlike my blog but i want to rise awareness to certain things in this post. As a quick info - I'm currently working with a nutritionist because I want to teach kids in that matter. A few things I've learned up to now are very important and unfortunately not widely spread around the world. Many many bloggers these days post about intuitive eating and this is the greatest thing, you know why? because you can trigger mental disorders such as depression with your diet. Our body needs carbs to live. our brain needs carbs. our brain lives of monosaccharides. Because our brain produces hormones and everything we need if it has enough carbs. And that's the clue - only if our body has enough carbs our brain is able to produce serotonin. Serotonin is our mood stabilizer. This Hormon is essentially what makes us feel happy. Trust me i'm not making this up. I've seen cases where people were severely depressed and by simply changing their dietary habi...

he wanted someone who lived lived life to its fullest Someone who was full of joy Someone who wanted to be. But I was a dead soul I didn't know what to do And it was never my place to be. Just once in life I wanted to know what it felt like to be alive And his kiss made me come to live. But I was a dead soul Never could we have made it work Never could I have been awakened From the death that happened years ago. He gave me a piece of life and i took it. desperate as I was without realizing that no life could fill up my emptiness.

America you have scared me today. you have made me cry and you have disappointed me. I haven't found any words for hours after staying up all night to watch the election results coming in. I sat in disbelief and didn't find any words. Now after a few hours and after hearing Hillary Clintons speech I found new hope and words. " .. and to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams." - Hillary Clinton. I'm not American myself. but this Result is going to affect the whole world. A man was made president, who has done nothing but being disrespectful. But I will not keep up his manner of speaking badly about anyone and anything. It is on us to spread love and to keep together. One president is not going to stop all that we've accomplished so far. WE WILL KEEP ON EMPOWERING WOMEN, LGBTQ PEOLPE, DISABLED PEOPLE, PEO...

We're all broken in our own way. we don't understand life, we're just trying. one day at a time. we're all broken by our experiences day by day we're struggling to get back together we're trying to hold the emotions in. Everyone's broken.   And now we're here hoping that love could heal us. We're hoping that someone comes along and heals us with their love but how's that possible when that one person is broken too? love might let you forget about you being broken for a quick period of time. But in the end of the day you're still broken pretending like one person was able to heal you But that's not true because what once broke will always be broken Scars always stay with you. No love will be able to heal you no love will be able to put you back together Because once love fades you will find all of your pieces still laying on the floor. What love does is giving us strength strength to keep on, to move on To g...

Tonight as I breathed in all the dust  of yesterday. I dreamed of  freedom and peace. I want my soul to find rest. Give up the life of too much wine and cigarette smoke in my lungs. A life beyond  thunderstorms and  broken glass. all the darkness we lost in the possibility of tomorrow.  As tears dry, flowers  grow.  Accompanying every single step you take.  Tonight as I  breathed in all the dust  of yesterday. In a moment Of pure and raw  silence. I realized,  that tomorrows boundaries  will be crushed.  And we will  finally  be breathing the fresh air we were craving  For so long. -Adina Najana

Zeig mr dis lache. Zeig mr dini fröid. Zeig mr wi du z'läbe liebsch. Zeig mr wiso de z'läbe liebsch. Gib mr chly vo dere magie Und vilech vrlieri de mini dunkle schatte Bring mr bi wis isch ohni grund zlache Mach us mim kampf e tanz Zeig mr wime z'läbe liebt. 

You always reminded me of a summer day, A light breeze touching softly everything it passes. Laughter of children filling our ears until the darkness settles down. The sound of happiness, The melody of pure life. A day to remember, Memories kept in our hearts. You always reminded me of a summer day.

A torn heart in between burning bridges.  Harboring the deepest despair, Trapped between what is yet to come and what is supposed  to be. Standing at the edge of broken promises and a path full of unknowns.

To the outside I'm this cheerful girl On the inside I'm broken to a million pieces. I look happy all the time, being nice to everyone,  still a bit shy though.  I'm the girl next door. Well at least I seem to be. I'm smiley and friendly.  But no one sees the insecure me. The me that's fighting every minute of the day to accept herself and tries not to cry because she's ashamed of herself. No one sees the me that needs to be saved.  Because I'm the girl that cares about everyone. That will always help and be nice to you no matter what.  But when I go home I'm alone. No one's available who cares for me.  I'm the girl with the broken smile who will try everything to make you feel better. Because I know how it is to feel worthless. I know how it is to be on the bottom, fearing to look up to the stars. 

Everyone could see all these colors, the beautiful pictures, the melodies. They were able to see magic. While I was trying to convince myself that in all the darkness the shadows contained some beauty too. 

How would you know that I'm weaker than I've ever been before, when I yet seem to be so strong.  Fighting every second of my day against demons that hide inside of myself.  Loosing a bit more every step of the way. It's not easy to fight against yourself when fighting means winning and destroying yourself. Nobody knows what it feels to be so insecure that it makes you cry to even think about yourself. Constantly scared of having flaws. Constantly haunted by thoughts that someone might be thinking.  The more I try the less it's working. Every blush, every wrong word, every mistaken thing is a confirmation of my failure. Don't even look at me, it kills me a bit more. I'm scared to laugh, scared to talk .. Scared to live. What's the point in winning when your worst enemy is yourself. 

Let me go back, Back, to a place where I belong. Let me go back, Back, in the space Where I can twinkle like a star.  Being all above you Looking over you and taking care. Feel me. With every touch of a raindrop Every contact with a snowflake. Every whisper of the wind And every sun ray on your face. I'll be there be there.  Let me go. Back, back to a place Where I will be me. Because I'm not happy here Nor will i ever be. Let me go back. Back, to the moon And the stars. Let me shine bright and show you the way. But let me go to a place where I belong.   

Üsi gsichtr Gsichtr agmaut wi linwänd Niemer weiss me wär mr si Odr wi mr würklech usgseh. Mir vrstecke üs, Hei angst vor dr würklechkeit. Eifach nume wüu mr dänke Mir sige nid gnue. Mir si aui glych. Sötte stouz uf üs si. Abr anstatt desse vrstecke mr üs Hingr obszönitäte und bunter Malerei. Niemer isch me wahr. U niemer isch fausch Ächt isch künstlech, Sy mr no z'rette?