the success.

I am 21 now. Literally just at the start of my life.

And I have been fighting my very own body for more years than I can count. 

I am 21 and I have never felt more empowered than in this moment right here. 

I have spent so many years fighting my body. It was never enough. I was never enough. 

As I kid I was bullied because I was 'big'. 

When I hit puberty I got hips, boobs and just wider in general. 

I started working out like crazy and I was finally skinny. I almost felt worthy. I almost felt pretty. 

But my hair was never the way I wanted it. My skin had more blemishes than I wanted. 

I was too small. Since 14 I stand at 5'6 and I dreaded it. My feet and hands were too big. 

I always loved swimming but at one point I dreaded myself in a bathing suit. I didn't want to show my body this vulnerable. I stopped swimming. I started hidding myself. I broke off relationships. 

I felt bad about myself. I started eating to fill the emptiness that I felt within all myself. 

I gained weight. slowly but steady. I broke myself. 

I am a size 16 now. I have an abled body that I hated for so many years. 

My mind keeps on spinning about how I look.

My hair is greasy. My hair is not long, not wavy, not pretty enough.

My hands are too short, too big, my nails are too short, my hands are not pretty.

My feet are terrible. my toes are weirdly shaped, my nails are tiny. they are wrong. 

My legs are too short, too big, too fat, they have cellulite, they are hairy. they have stretch marks. 

My arms are hairy, too big, too fat, they are giggly, they have little bumps and are redded.

My belly is my worst enemy, he's wobbly, fat, huge, unattractive, disgusting. 

My boobs are big but saggy, my boobs have stretch marks, my boobs have hair on them 

My body is fat, it has cellulite and stretch marks, it is averagely tall and hairy. it has blemishes.

BUT

My body can run for an hour (as of right now). 

My body can ride a bicycle. 

My body can play the piano. 

My body can sing a song. 

My body can do a lot of things. It is working the way it is supposed to. 

and yet I am just starting to love myself.

In the mornings I struggle to look at myself in the mirror. 

But I start to feel appreciation for my body throughout the day for letting me do the things I want. 

I am mentally struggling. Depression. Self-hatred, self-harm, self-destruction.

I have fought myself for so long that I started destroying myself 

And just now I'm starting to see that there is nothing wrong with me...

Yes, no piece of clothing will ever fit me perfectly but that is because it wasn't designed for me. 

It is designed for this imaginary type of woman that does not exist. 

My hips are wide, my waist is somewhat slim, my boobs are big and saggy, my hair is fine, wavy and straight at the same time, my body is soft and firm at the same time. my body is my body. 

there's only one. and it is amazing. 

I am amazing. 

my relationship with my body will be a lifelong struggle.
but fighting for peace will be worth it, eventually.
I will see my self-worth eventually. 

I am starting to embrace.