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body dysmorphia

BDD - Body dysmorphic disorder Ember Evanescent - But I'm not dysmorphic ... right?      You know why I'm obsessed with makeup? You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have? You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am? You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically? Because now I'm a little bit scared That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right It just seems so impossible Because I mean I look in the mirror And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl So ugly In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me and I don't know why I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty And for some reasons I'm crying right now And I feel really alone But no no no There is no way I re
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the success.

I am 21 now. Literally just at the start of my life. And I have been fighting my very own body for more years than I can count.  I am 21 and I have never felt more empowered than in this moment right here.  I have spent so many years fighting my body. It was never enough. I was never enough.  As I kid I was bullied because I was 'big'.  When I hit puberty I got hips, boobs and just wider in general.  I started working out like crazy and I was finally skinny. I almost felt worthy. I almost felt pretty.  But my hair was never the way I wanted it. My skin had more blemishes than I wanted.  I was too small. Since 14 I stand at 5'6 and I dreaded it. My feet and hands were too big.  I always loved swimming but at one point I dreaded myself in a bathing suit. I didn't want to show my body this vulnerable. I stopped swimming. I started hidding myself. I broke off relationships.  I felt bad about myself. I started eating to fill the emptiness that I felt w
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Broken smile

To the outside I'm this cheerful girl On the inside I'm broken to a million pieces. I look happy all the time, being nice to everyone,  still a bit shy though.  I'm the girl next door. Well at least I seem to be. I'm smiley and friendly.  But no one sees the insecure me. The me that's fighting every minute of the day to accept herself and tries not to cry because she's ashamed of herself. No one sees the me that needs to be saved.  Because I'm the girl that cares about everyone. That will always help and be nice to you no matter what.  But when I go home I'm alone. No one's available who cares for me.  I'm the girl with the broken smile who will try everything to make you feel better. Because I know how it is to feel worthless. I know how it is to be on the bottom, fearing to look up to the stars. 
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