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body dysmorphia

BDD - Body dysmorphic disorder Ember Evanescent - But I'm not dysmorphic ... right?      You know why I'm obsessed with makeup? You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have? You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am? You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically? Because now I'm a little bit scared That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right It just seems so impossible Because I mean I look in the mirror And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl So ugly In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me and I don't know why I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty And for some reasons I'm crying right now And I feel really alone But no no no There is no way I re...
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the success.

I am 21 now. Literally just at the start of my life. And I have been fighting my very own body for more years than I can count.  I am 21 and I have never felt more empowered than in this moment right here.  I have spent so many years fighting my body. It was never enough. I was never enough.  As I kid I was bullied because I was 'big'.  When I hit puberty I got hips, boobs and just wider in general.  I started working out like crazy and I was finally skinny. I almost felt worthy. I almost felt pretty.  But my hair was never the way I wanted it. My skin had more blemishes than I wanted.  I was too small. Since 14 I stand at 5'6 and I dreaded it. My feet and hands were too big.  I always loved swimming but at one point I dreaded myself in a bathing suit. I didn't want to show my body this vulnerable. I stopped swimming. I started hidding myself. I broke off relationships.  I felt bad about myself. I started eating to fill...
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Der Weg in die Dunkelheit.

Mein Schmerz, Dunkler als jede Nacht, Meine Gefühle sind kein Scherz, Es tut weh. Ein Strudel mich mit sich zieht, Mich innerlich zerbricht, Mir meine Kraft,meinen Willen nimmt, Einen Kampf in mir ausficht. Tränen sich langsam abzeichnen, Der Schmerz doch zu gross, Der Kampf zu schwer, Kein rett'nds Floss. Sterne vom Himmel fallen, Die Sonne verglüht, Dunkel(heit) die Welt überzieht, Ich habe verloren. ©Adina K.
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