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the success.

I am 21 now. Literally just at the start of my life. And I have been fighting my very own body for more years than I can count.  I am 21 and I have never felt more empowered than in this moment right here.  I have spent so many years fighting my body. It was never enough. I was never enough.  As I kid I was bullied because I was 'big'.  When I hit puberty I got hips, boobs and just wider in general.  I started working out like crazy and I was finally skinny. I almost felt worthy. I almost felt pretty.  But my hair was never the way I wanted it. My skin had more blemishes than I wanted.  I was too small. Since 14 I stand at 5'6 and I dreaded it. My feet and hands were too big.  I always loved swimming but at one point I dreaded myself in a bathing suit. I didn't want to show my body this vulnerable. I stopped swimming. I started hidding myself. I broke off relationships.  I felt bad about myself. I started eating to fill the emptiness that I felt w
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A promise to death

Currently I could jump off of a cliff and I wouldn't even care. I would be happy for this freaking shit show to finally be over. The only thing that keeps me from doing it, you're asking? I'm afraid of surviving. I don't wanna be the one that "survived jumping off a bridge". I don't want anybody to talk with me about these feelings and why I did it. Why I'd even chose to end my life. I just want this, all of this to stop. the only thing that hold me back is the fact that surviving would be worse than dying. So if I ever find a bridge or a cliff high enough for me to be sure to be dead this might as well be my promise to fucking take the leap.
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16. Mai 2017

Bild
mir redä und redä   fadegrad anenag vrbi u merke tüeh mrs ersch, we dr eint ufem Himalya und dr anger z züri steit. Mir secklä und secklä    wie geng schneuer si aus aui angere Drbi wärs doch gschider mau d sunne zgniesse weder i nächst räge z cho. Mir tröime und tröime    aber eigetech wüsse mr nid vo was. Wi wärs we mr mau zämehocke u eifach nüt säge.  Vilech vrstöh mr nis so.  
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body dysmorphia

BDD - Body dysmorphic disorder Ember Evanescent - But I'm not dysmorphic ... right?      You know why I'm obsessed with makeup? You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have? You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am? You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically? Because now I'm a little bit scared That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right It just seems so impossible Because I mean I look in the mirror And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl So ugly In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me and I don't know why I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty And for some reasons I'm crying right now And I feel really alone But no no no There is no way I re
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Shane Koyczan

But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act That has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty. Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. to this day He is a stick of TNT lit from both ends Could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends In the moments before it's about to fall and despite an army of friends Who call him an inspiration He remains a conversation piece between people Who can't understand Sometimes being drug-free Has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us That we'd be lonely forever That we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun was something they built for us in their tool shed. I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite Those are all parts of the poem "To this day .. for the bullied and the beautiful" by Shane Koyczan. And I c
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Dependence

For so long I’ve wanted my body to disappear I was so ashamed so insecure. I just wanted to be invisible. I was worried sick someone might hear my thighs rubbing together. I was scared people would stare if they saw me walking by. I didn’t want my shoes, my steps to make any sound. I wanted to be invisible and inaudible. For so long my mind was screaming at me Anxious about leaving the house anxious about being seen. I just wanted to disappear. It took me longer than I’m willing to admit to see that I am supposed to take up space to be seen and heard. May my body make as much noise may my clothes not perfectly fit. I need to accept my flaws I need to embrace myself. Let people stare even if they might not Uncertainty is made by voices in your head shut them up and dance in silence.
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Eating disorder

dear people i know this is unlike my blog but i want to rise awareness to certain things in this post. As a quick info - I'm currently working with a nutritionist because I want to teach kids in that matter. A few things I've learned up to now are very important and unfortunately not widely spread around the world. Many many bloggers these days post about intuitive eating and this is the greatest thing, you know why? because you can trigger mental disorders such as depression with your diet. Our body needs carbs to live. our brain needs carbs. our brain lives of monosaccharides. Because our brain produces hormones and everything we need if it has enough carbs. And that's the clue - only if our body has enough carbs our brain is able to produce serotonin. Serotonin is our mood stabilizer. This Hormon is essentially what makes us feel happy. Trust me i'm not making this up. I've seen cases where people were severely depressed and by simply changing their dietary habi
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